Monday, October 16, 2006

Hurting

I'm putting things away and come across some pictures of C when he was a newborn. And I'm crying. I'm looking at the pictures where he was first born and he's all white and gunky. And I'm mad and upset and aching because I didn't get to see him like that. I'm looking at the pictures where I'm breastfeeding him. Where they're giving him a bath at the hospital. And I'm hurting because I don't remember it. I have fragmented memories, but that's all I have because of the anesthesia/painkillers. I hate that I didn't stand up to them and tell them no. No, I am not going to the hospital. I am going home to research. I hate me for letting them take him. And then I hear Debra *CNM* saying there is really low fluid, baby is breech and needs to come out because he could have a cord accident.

I'm remembering laying on the table in the u/s room, totally unprepared for her telling me he was breech. I'm pissed because I let her check me. I was leaking fluid and having prodromal labor and stupidass me let her check me. All because I was curious. Felt a soft squishy bum rather than a head. What would have happened if I hadn't let her check me? Had gone into labor. Was pushing when she finally realized he was breech. Had stayed at home as long as possible, gone to the hospital and stayed in the parking lot until I was ready to push. Had just said no. Had made my DH and mom see that I could do it at home. That it is safe. 37 weeks by her calculation, 35 by mine. Not ready.

I'm angry at me for being like this 6 months later. Sympathy for the situation wore out soon after the birth. You have a healthy baby, so get over it. Noone has said it out loud (at least not to my face) but I can sense it. So sad, angry, frustrated, guilty.

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